In recent years I’ve been dealing with a narcissist in my life. I think most people know at least one person with narcissistic tendencies, so with this article I hope to define some traits of narcissism in a way that makes it easier to understand. I’m not a psychologist, so I can’t diagnose anyone; I’m just relating what I understand from my own experience. Let me know in the comments if this article hits home with you.
The definition for narcissism goes back to Greek mythology when a hunter named Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in a pool of water. He stared at it for the rest of his life. Dr. Les Carter, a leading psychologist in the field of narcissism, says that narcissists are defined by a high need for control. Narcissists can be impulsive, easily offended, superior, and critical. They create drama with their need for attention and significance. They want their ego to be fed constantly and can have overly emotional or inappropriately emotional reactions when they don’t get what they want. They are completely focused on themselves and are obsessed with how they appear to others. They view life as a competition, constantly evaluating how they measure up: and they better be on top, or else. They are binary thinkers (win/lose, black/white, friend/foe), and they are unable to consider points of view other than their own. They are unwilling to learn from others and will often count themselves as the victim in disagreements. Narcissists don’t feel empathy. The narcissist in my life had a T-shirt that said, “You can either agree with me or be wrong.”
Perhaps you have been thinking of someone in your life who exhibits some of these traits, but in case you need an example, here’s an analogy to help explain what this looks like in relationships (I’ll use a male pronoun for the purpose of this illustration):
Narcissism is like a snow globe that the narcissist constructs for himself. He can see through the glass at the outside world, but the outside is distorted; it’s not real to him. His real world is inside the snow globe—everything revolves around him. He thinks it’s beautiful inside the snow globe because it is filled with things that make him happy. The only thing missing is snow (in this analogy, “snow” is self-esteem).
The narcissist is too insecure to make his own snow, so he lures people inside to make it for him. He convinces as many people as he can that life inside the snow globe is much better than on the outside, and that in exchange for making snow, he will take care of them and make them happy. They make snow by stroking the narcissist’s ego: telling him how wonderful he is, making sure he knows he’s in charge, and deliberately stepping aside so he can shine. As long as you’ve been invited into the snow globe, you’re welcome to stay as long as you like: but you must keep making snow. You can’t slow down or stop (perhaps because you have your own needs, or you’re unhappy or exhausted). And because the narcissist is constantly questioning his place in the center, he needs more and more snow. Eventually nobody can make it fast enough.
Where once you may have enjoyed life in the snow globe because you felt valued, soon you find yourself enslaved because you must keep making snow to keep the narcissist from becoming angry or violent. This change may have evolved so slowly that you didn’t notice it at first because the narcissist works very hard to make you think you derive pleasure from making snow. If you told anything personal in confidence to the narcissist, you may find that information used against you as blackmail to keep you in the snow globe. Now you must endure shame, guilt and ridicule in addition to the labor of snow making. People outside the snow globe knock on the glass and wave at you, but you are too busy making snow to respond. Plus it’s all distorted in there, so it’s hard to hear or see any messages coming from the outside. It soon becomes impossible to sustain; either you collapse from exhaustion or try to leave. Once the narcissist sees that you are no longer willing or able to make snow, he will deem you useless and will jettison you from the snow globe. In the narcissist’s eyes, you no longer matter, and he will make sure everyone inside and outside the snow globe knows it.
Let’s say you want to leave the snow globe. You may have wanted out for a long time, but without an exit strategy, you’ll be vulnerable, and you may get sucked back in. The narcissist will use every tool in his toolbox to get you to stay, because he doesn’t have the energy to train someone new to do your job. He will not only push your buttons, he will mash on them with all his strength. In fact, he helped design the buttons so only he could push them. Once you’re stable on your own and you let the narcissist know it, expect a big fight and lots of manipulation. When the fight is over, you might want to seek some counseling as you recover.
Dealing with a narcissist is one of the most difficult social situations that people face. It could be your boss, friend, or spouse, in which case disconnecting from them is possible, but it’s a different story if the narcissist is part of your family. Each person in your family will react differently depending on their position inside or outside of the snow globe. Try to find an ally, because doing so will give you both strength.
If this situation sounds familiar, or if you found my description of narcissism to be interesting, please let me know in the comments. I’m happy to share my sources, recommend podcasts, or start a dialogue about this topic. For more, visit the Surviving Narcissism channel on YouTube. If you’re interested in reading more about my thoughts on other interesting personality type and relationship dynamics, read this article called, “The Covert Aggressor: A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.”
